


in the dream i dont tell anyone

by ForCrimsonAir



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, look shinji deserves a break and to heal from all that bullshit and to be loved, shinji struggling with his deep-rooted trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25728439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForCrimsonAir/pseuds/ForCrimsonAir
Summary: "I said kiss me here and here and here— and you did."
Relationships: Emiya Shirou/Matou Shinji
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	in the dream i dont tell anyone

**Author's Note:**

> here i am self-indulging and pushing my shinji/shirou agenda. anyway this follows my headcanon that shinji has been crushing on shirou for years without being aware of it because "There's Just No Way I'd Crush On Him". might be rusty/overdramatic because its shinji and also because i havent finished a fic in a long time buuut,
> 
> enjoy!! and let these boys rest and heal and nothing bad happen to them again.

_ "Emiya, come here." _

The events of last night played again in Shinji's mind, over and over. Emotions that he didn't even knew he had bottled up deep inside him were suddenly overflowing, too much for him to handle. Shinji had seen him coming back from school, late in the evening, carrying his bike instead of riding it. He had decided to approach him, and they both had ended up walking towards the forest, where the sound of busy streets and the lights of the cities were left behind. Shinji wasn't sure what drove him to follow Shirou, instead of ignoring him and turning back home, but it had always been so easy to take advantage of Shirou, and the promise of that opportunity was too sweet for Shinji to pass up. That was what he told himself, anyway.

They had been chatting about whatever Shirou had been doing in the archery club until that late, Shinji not really paying any attention to that, the bike resting against a nearby tree while they both were standing up against a fence. Shirou's voice filled the air, Shinji sometimes humming in response to try and pretend he was listening. Until they both fell silent, and Shirou looked at the city lights below them. Shinji glanced at him, resting a hand on his cheek.

"It's gotten pretty late... You should probably show yourself around the archery club from time to time, Shinji." Shirou said, a genuine smile on his face.

Shinji ignored those words, eyes fixated on his classmate.

"Hey, Emiya."

Shirou looked at him, their gazes meeting. The sound of the wind blowing through the forest surrounded them, and it hit Shinji that it was really just the two of them there. For a brief moment, he remembered the days where they used to get along without any hidden intentions from his side. They were friends, and nothing else. Until it all had ended up in Shinji just taking advantage of Shirou, their relationship never going back to what it was. They had lost whatever they had at the time. Shinji wouldn't have been able to tell if that was friendship, if Shirou had indeed been his first friend. But he knew things were no longer the same.

"What is it?" Shirou prompted, after waiting for Shinji to say something.

"Come here." Shinji leaned over, one hand reaching out to grab Shirou's uniform, so he would stay in reach. Shirou's face hovered over Shinji's, a few centimeters apart.

"...Shinji?" His voice showed a bit of surprise, but he didn't pull away.

They kept each other's gaze, silent for a few moments, until Shirou caught a glimpse of Shinji's lips wavering before saying:

"Kiss me."

Shirou frowned slightly, confused. Shinji's grip on his jacket had tightened unconsciously. He was nervous, in a way Shirou had never seen in him before. Though his expression didn't show it, trying to mask his emotions like always. It pained Shirou, how Shinji felt this need to shelter himself, even in front of an old friend. Despite that, Shirou closed the distance between them, doing as he was told. They both closed their eyes when their lips met, and Shirou could feel Shinji tugging on the jacket. Shirou's hands looked blindly for the fence, to support himself, while Shinji rested his back against it, framed between Shirou's arms. When they broke the kiss, Shinji brought one hand to Shirou's cheeks, holding him in place to kiss him again. But when he approached to do so, Shirou whispered:

"Are you sure this is what you want, Shinji?"

Shinji stopped to look at Shirou, confused by the question. He would have expected him to reject him, to push him away, to ask what he was doing, but he hadn't expected... that question. Emiya's expression showed concern. _ Of course _ , Shinji thought,  _ he's always like this, no matter the situation. _

"What, am I not making it obvious? I'm using you, Emiya." He replied, the tone in his voice as conceited as usual. Even though inside of him he felt a shade of doubt after hearing Shirou's words.

Shirou let out a sigh, not moving from where he stood, face close to Shinji's.

"I don't have any problem with this, Shinji, but I want to do it the right way. You're only hurting yourself like this."

He was being completely sincere. Shinji had no idea what he was talking about, how he could be so calm, when he had expected him to be disgusted upon kissing him. Shirou spoke as if he knew what was going on inside his mind, and it froze him. Because he didn't know himself where he was going with this. Teasing Emiya just because he could? Mocking him, making him kiss someone he probably despised? Just taking advantage of him being unable to deny a request and take everything he could from it? He hadn't given it much thought, when he saw Shirou under the faint light of the moon. He hated not being able to keep his emotions in check, and, more than anything, having Emiya being the one to understand them better than himself.

"What are you even talking about...?" He mumbled, his hand dropping from Shirou's cheek.

Shirou readjusted himself so he could leave more space between them, but he didn't break eye contact.

"Shinji, if you wanted to use me, you would have less tender ways of doing it, don't you think?" He paused, and he was grateful it was dark outside so Shinji wouldn't see that he was blushing. "But your kiss wasn't forceful or aggressive. It was soft."

Shinji frowned, refusing to acknowledge that. He wanted to come up with something, anything, to shut him up and deny all of that, but he was too busy analyzing what Shirou's words meant.

"I love you." Shirou's words made Shinji look back at him, shocked. Shirou took a deep breath before repeating: "I love you, Shinji. That's why I won't pull away if you want to kiss me. But, what do you really want?"

Shinji found himself unable to answer that, too caught up in Shirou's confession.  _ That had been. A fucking confession. From Shirou Emiya. _ Shinji felt like he had been slapped in the face. What the fuck was Emiya saying? After all the bullshit he had put him through, after doing nothing but fucking things up, and  _ now  _ he was confessing? 

Shinji remembered perfectly when they started drifting apart, how Sakura had started getting closer to Emiya, slowly taking his place. Instead of spending the afternoons after school with him, Emiya had started walking home with Sakura. And Shinji changed. Manipulative, a constant liar for his own benefit, selfish, building a wall between him and everyone else, to try to avoid showing any "weaknesses". Cause the words of his grandfather still echoed in his mind. The weak are to be used by the strong. If you don't become strong, you'll be squished like a bug. And the one person that had started to show him that maybe things weren't quite like that was now beyond his reach. He had wondered quite a few times, how did all of that make Shirou feel? How did it look to him, to see an old friend changing into someone he didn't recognise? Into someone he had been shaped to be by his grandfather. He must be disappointed, disgusted, Shinji had thought. But now, years after all of that, Shinji now perfectly molded into what they twisted him to be, Emiya had confessed that he loved him. What about him was there to love?

"...You're a terrible liar." Shinji mumbled, trying his best and failing at keeping his composure.

"Huh?" Shirou looked at Shinji with a confused expression on his face.

Shinji couldn't bring himself to believe all of this. It just couldn't be.

"I guess this is your way of trying to pay me back for all the things I do, right? But that's pathetic, Emiya. I won't fall for something so ridiculous." Shinji let out a nervous chuckle as he blurted out things he didn't have the time to think twice over. He felt the situation was out of his control, out of his understanding, and he needed to make his way out of that as quick as possible.

"...You know it's the truth, Shinji." Shirou said, still looking at him even when Shinji broke eye contact.

Shinji couldn't bring himself to answer. He just couldn't accept it. Shirou continued, his voice calm as he spoke:

"I know that's something that may have crossed your mind at some point; that's why you doubt others when they're honest with you. But, Shinji, I have never lied to you. I have never pushed you aside."

It was true. Emiya still bothered to show around the archery dojo just to check up on Shinji. He had tried to give him advice, to show that he cared, and Shinji had mocked him for it every single time. Emiya had never stopped caring, and that scared Shinji. His reaction had always been to push him away, to try everything to make him hate him, but Emiya was here, even now.

Shinji frowned, unconsciously digging his fingernails into his palms. Everything he had been forcing himself to believe was a fucking lie. And, deep down, he knew. He wasn't that stupid. But he didn't think there was anything else he could do. The pressure to be someone he could never be had warped his perception on others, on himself, on everything. And he felt like anything different from the life he had been living wasn't meant for him. Because he was the grandson of Zouken.

His lips trembled when he tried to speak. Fuck, he hated this feeling. He hated losing control over his reactions.

"...You don't know a single thing." He whispered.

"I don't." Shirou conceded, a sad expression on his face. Compassion. "But I want to know, Shinji. I don't want you to isolate yourself and carry on like this."

Shinji looked at him. Emiya was everything he wasn't; kind, attentive, selfless, always willing to help. They were opposites. And despite everything, despite trying to force himself to hate him, Shinji felt that he somehow wanted to see more of that kindness. He had tried countless times to prove himself wrong, to try and get to Emiya's bad side, but such a thing simply didn't seem to exist in him. There was no malice in Emiya, he didn't feel resentful towards him at all. And that was kind of breaking Shinji's will to keep this nonsense going.

Shirou took a deep breath, a step forward, and whispered:

"You don't have to be alone. I'm here."

Shinji looked at him, and he didn't notice he was holding back the tears. He choked a sob, feeling terribly embarrassed of it, and his hands reached to grab Shirou's jacket tightly.

"Just... shut up, Emiya."

Shirou smiled lightly. He could sense there was relief in Shinji's tone, no typical malice in it. And that was good enough for now. He carefully placed one hand on Shinji's cheek, making him look back at him, confused, and he softly caressed it.

"...Can I kiss you?" He said, voice full of a tenderness Shinji could hardly stand.

Shinji frowned, unconsciously pouting. He leaned forward to close the distance between them until their lips met, and when he broke the kiss he was in Shirou's arms.

"...I told you to shut up."


End file.
